On to the awkward part. My friend told me his name,Michael Moon, and I had to break up with him the next day so she could watch. No big deal, I'd done it hundreds of times. Only the next day was my other friend Marie's birthday. So I made her a cake, as is tradition.
There was an extra slice of cake and we decided I should give it to Mike. So I walked over, put it on his tray and walked away. I thought I'd gotten away scot-free.
Then someone tapped my shoulder. I turned around. It was him! What to do? We could not speak to each other! SHould I ignore him? There was a silence as I looked wildly at him, remembering all I could before it ended...
"Why did you give me cake?" he asked.
"... um..." I gestured for one of my lunchmates to take over, they stared back at me. "I can't talk to you. It's not allowed. Well, now I have so I guess I should. Okay, here's the thing... we have to break up. It's not going to work out..."
He looked... confused.
I tried to fix it. "It's a game. You were my secret boyfriend and I followed you around, I guess I was kind of stalking you. But not in a creepy way. It's a game."
He looked... weirded out.
It wasn't enough! The word vomit kept coming! By this point I was standing, gesturing wildly as I tried to explain.
"So I kind of thought we could be, you know, friends after this, because I'm sure you're a nice kid. So I might talk to you again. Sometime."
I finally realized he'd been trying to edge away. I let him go. Mortification swept over me. I sat, placed my head a few inches above the table and let it drop. And again. And again.
I'm an idiot. Why couldn't I stop myself?!!? Things would have been fine, but it went so, so, so wrong.
After this I still felt attached to him because I'd fucked up so utterly. I continued to follow him about and stare. It was terrible.
Finally one day I was at a basketball game when my friend Morgan mentioned to me that Mike Moon was playing on the team. Now, I know my little Ex-SBF and he is no sports player. I told her as much but Morgan has known Mike Moon her whole life and that basketballer was clearly him.
Therefore-- Who the hell had I been dating?!?!
Turns out his name was Michael Baker and he just moved here. Now that I know his real name (and that he has a new girlfriend-- I don't blame him for moving on, clearly I didn't pay enough attention to him. Plus also I think I just wanted him for his body.) I have moved on.